Friday, April 6, 2012

Good Friday

Happy Good Friday! 
Sometimes I feel really uncomfortable writing about my faith on here. Not because I'm afraid to share it or afraid of putting a bad taste in non-believers mouths but because I'm afraid of offending other Christians.
 I was not raised in the church, I never attended Sunday School as a child memorizing verses and coloring pictures of Jesus; but this isn't to say that I didn't have Jesus in my life at this young age; I just knew him in a less formal, by the book way. I was always spiritual as a child; I knew God's love,  I always pictured God up in the sky with a big board game and we were his pieces and he would move us around and that's how and why things happened. I know this is a very childish way of seeing God but I was after all...
a child. 
When I began attending church at age 12ish I began going to youth group with many of my friends that had been going to church since birth and could repeat bible verses in the blink of an eye. And now in youth group they had stopped coloring pictures of Jesus and memorizing bible verses...(I had missed the boat!), now they were all about humor and show trying to keep us pre-teens entertained by church so we wouldn't stop going in high-school and become drug addicts and prostitutes ;). They were selling the "Church is cool!" motto to us youth groupers, and it worked! At least for me I thought church was cool and still do! We went on mission trips and camps I LOVED church, I loved youth group I started reading my bible trying to memorize verses and learn stories trying to catch up with my youth group friends dropping John 3:16 at every opportunity! 
But to this day I feel "unschooled" in Christianity compared to some of my Christian friends that started in Sunday school and finished in Christian college. When I was graduating high school I would have given my left lung to go to Christian College, I felt so inadequate because I didn't get the best grades and it just didn't feel right asking my parents to spend that type of money on tuition at a privet school without any scholarships or financial assistance. Now, I know that God had a plan for me NOT to go to Christian college, and now I would not change one thing! I met my husband, so many amazing people and now get to graduate from one of the best schools in the country... UCSD. Sure, I took the scenic route but I enjoyed every bit of it! 
But sometimes it still makes me extremely anxious talking about my faith in front of some Christians; I'm afraid I'll say something wrong; it always takes me the longest to find the bible verses because I never learned the song where you sing chapters of the bible to learn their order.
The absolute worst was a while back we were in a bible study with all Sunday Schooled Christians and they decided to play bible trivia. I'm sure that sounds like loads of fun if you are schooled in the bible...but I wasn't so it sounded like my worst nightmare. I actually questioned if I was in hell for a second. I tried to think of excuses of why me and the Hubs had to leave early but my mind was blank! 
Of course me and Pat were up against each other 
me ( not schooled in the bible and the little I did learn left me under the intense anxiety I was having) 
Pat ( the ex-atheist that had been Christian for like a week!)
We were that last ones to go and it was agonizing watching everyone try to beat one another to the buzzer... so eager to spit out the answer and talking about how EASY the questions were, while I sat there knowing none of them. 
When it was our turn we both just stared at each other both knowing neither of us knew the answer trying to pretend it was just at the tip of our tongue! 
Just take me out back and shoot me already!
It was TORTURE!! 
You better believe I went home and had every intention to read the Bible cover to finish 7 times straight! 
The point is I am Christian, I love God, but our relationship was developed in a different way, under different circumstances and I still feel very uneducated when it comes to dates, names, stories and verses but that doesn't mean I don't know GOD! And one thing I am sure of is that he would rather I know him and know his heart than know the Bible. 
Knowing that brings me comfort. 
I'm not saying the Bible is not important!!!!!! 
It is SO important and I will never stop trying to educate myself in it, but God is most important and I know him. 
The reason I had to let this all out is because I wanted to write something about Good Friday being that it is today and then I felt scared to write. I was scared I'd say something wrong, offend someone and be judged by other Christians for not understanding the complexity of the day and I'll be the first to admit I DON'T know the complexity of the day, but I don't think ANYONE fully grasps it. But I know that today is so important and is a day to reflect on God and his love and sacrifice for us. 
and here is where I will drop my one Bible verse that will sum up some of what's in my heart today my one bible verses I'm sure everyone from here to Hong Kong knows 
(but if you don't, I do not judge you :) ) 
Happy Good Friday!


  1. THANK YOU for this post, Kayla!! I grew up in church but just recently started reading the Bible, and it seems like everyone around me graduated from Biola with 10+ theology classes under their belt. It can seem intimidating at times, but your post really hit home with me in that everyday I am getting to know the Lord's heart more and more, and he went before me to create this path of life I am on. Seriously, I can't thank you enough. Happy Easter!

    1. Jaleen!! Thank you so much for you comment! I'm so glad someone can relate to me! I know, I just have to remind myself that this is who and where God wants me to be and you're exactly right he went before us to create the paths we are on. It is ok that we haven't taken 10+ theology classes, and he knows where are hearts are and that they're in the right place, same as we get to know his more and more. We're just learning in different ways and our ways are just as important and special as anyone elses! Your comment made my day!! Happy Easter to you too!! XOXO

  2. Great post Kayla!! I think God def cares way more about our hearts than how many verses we can memorize. You are living out God's will for your life just by being your authentic self, thanks for being honest!